Based on the title, you’re probably thinking oh good another post about how you couldn’t stay away from your ex, but based on the picture you’re probably thinking is that her girlfriend?
You would be right… sort of… not really. This is about the time I broke off a friendship (not a romantic relationship) and ended up “getting back together” with her a year later.
Now let me start off by saying a friend break up truly is worse than a romantic relationship break up. It sucks a lot because if you break up with your best friend who do you talk to about how you’re feeling? People also don’t really understand the loss because it’s not a romantic relationship so in some way, it is seen as less valid.
So, first question: Why did I choose to break up with such an important person in my life?
The real answer is there are many answers of varying degrees. Some of them seem childish now that I’ve grown as a person since that time in my life, and some of them seem pretty valid.
The “at the moment” reason was that she was in a bad relationship (not with me). In my opinion, my best friend, the person I only wanted the best for, was hurting herself by staying in a bad relationship, and at the time, I didn’t think it was my place to tell her to break up with her boyfriend.
I did try and show her that he wasn’t good for her. He was verbally abusive, wasn’t patient and had no respect for her time. Alas though, she was in love and in my mind, if I couldn’t convince her to leave an unhealthy relationship, I also wasn’t going to stand around in her life and watch her life and who she was fall apart.
For me, it was simply healthier to distance myself from the situation and from her. I had become too invested in her life and I realized it when she choose not to value my opinion. It really hurt and I didn’t think it was fair to myself to invest my time in someone that didn’t care to have me around.
When I look back on that, I would say that was a valid reason, however there is one thing I would do differently. I think I would try harder to break up that unhealthy relationship. I would take the mean comments from her if it meant that she would be out of an unstable relationship. I guess at the time, I didn’t think it was my place, but the thing is, if you know someone that is in an unhealthy relationship, it’s always a good idea to encourage them (and force them) to get out of that relationship.
I think also at that time and at my maturity level, I was too afraid to have her hate me if I broke her and her boyfriend up simply because I also sort of blamed her for pressuring me into breaking up with my boyfriend about two months earlier. Also I felt like I was already slowly losing her to her boyfriend so I figured why not make it a clean break? (That’s exactly what I did too, literally the next day I had just simply stopped talking to her).
Another big reason, was at the time, I hadn’t really learned to stand up for myself and there were times when I felt like she took advantage of that weakness. This one is kind of hard to explain now that I’m better at not taking people’s crap anymore, but I do remember the feeling.
I began to constantly feel belittled whenever I spent time with her and again, I can’t really pinpoint why, but I did know that it wasn’t a healthy thing and should be avoided. Therefore, in my mind, the best option was to get her out of my life.
I even had people say to slowly take her out of my life (“just hang out with her less”, “don’t always be available”) but me being me, I couldn’t seem to do that. In my mind it just seemed better to cut her out all together.
And when I say “cut her out” I don’t mean some big falling out where the whole school knew we were no longer friends. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was the exact opposite because even six months of no longer being her friend, I still had people ask me all sorts of random stuff about her.
Honestly, I learned the most from this break up than any other. This break up showed me that sometimes, the closest people in your life can become toxic yet you still love and rely on them. It also ended up allowing me to grow a harder shell and stand up for myself more often. Lastly, I learned how to be alone. Now this happened because I broke up with my best friend like two months after my serious boyfriend and these had been two people that I had relied on, talked to, and saw everyday the summer before and that entire school year and all of the sudden they were gone. My last two weeks of sophomore year were really tough, but I’d like to think I came out of that time a stronger, more confident and independent person. That event also helped me realize that I did indeed want to graduate a year early and I was going to do whatever it took to get there.
After reading my reasons for breaking up with my best friend, you’re probably asking in an incredulous voice “Why did you get back together with her?”
And the answer to that is much simpler: I grew up, matured, and realized lots of things about my life, and was ready to have this person in my life again. And I’m really thankful that she was willing to take me back even though I hurt her (wow we sound like a cliche couple…).
Anyways, in my reasons to break up with my best friend, I kind of make her out to be this horrible person. But the reality is she’s really not. In fact, she’s more like the most caring person that I’ve ever met, and when I reflect, I think the main reason I broke up with her was a me problem and not necessarily a her problem. This is something I realized after we got back together and I had time to think about us on more neutral grounds.
I’ve had friends that have cared deeply for me and my interests, but until I had met her, I hadn’t encountered someone that genuinely looked out for me and my interests as fiercely as she did. I also didn’t think it was something that I deserved in my life. She was so kind and caring and I couldn’t fathom that I deserved someone like that in my life. I felt like there was no way that I was as a good as a friend to her that she was to me (I mean I couldn’t even get her out of an unhealthy relationship) and therefore, I didn’t deserve her. So I broke up with her.
Now, a year and lots of character development later, I’ve come to accept that it is ok to have people in my life that truly care for me and my well-being and that I deserve a person like that. I deserve a person that I can call at 10:45 at night and rant about how stressed I am until midnight because I would be that person to any of my friends. I deserve a person that drives me to LaRosa’s, but also makes me drive her to LaRosa’s because I would be that person to any of my friends. I deserve a person that will get me out of an unhealthy relationship because I would like to think that I have become a person that would do that for any of my friends. I deserve that kind of give and take relationship because that’s how I believe that friendship should be.
I also reached out to her again because I missed her. I had forgotten how much I had told her and how much I had enjoyed hearing from her. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed having her in my life and let’s be honest, I also really missed her dog. You forget how much a person impacts your life until they’re no longer in it, and if said person continues to impact your life even while she’s gone, then maybe that means you should reach out to her and try and reconcile the friendship.
That’s what I did, and I will admit, I was a little unsure at first. It should have been clear after the first reconciliation that it was going to work because we literally spent six hours at Starbucks, but still, uncertainty is rude and likes to hang around like an unwanted ex. Something to keep in mind if you do reconcile a friendship: it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to figure each other out again and see if it’s for real.
I think after our third hang out session, I realized that I had definitely made the right choice. I think what also helped us getting back together a lot is I set boundaries before it began. Now some of those have crumbled to the ground, but others of them I have kept up just so I don’t risk me wanting to run away again. But overall, I’m incredibly glad that we were able to “get back together” and that she is a big part of my life again, and in this time of huge change, I’ve really leaned on her a lot and she has been a huge help in keeping my anxiety in tact and in helping me navigate adulthood.
The last question is if I had to do it all over again, would I?
And the answer to that is yes. While it sucked and was probably selfish, I would do it all over again because I learned so many valuable life lessons and personality lessons from that break up that I don’t think I could have learned any other way. I feel like it was a big event in my life, and one that has definitely shaped me into who I am today.
I think that break up is an event that launched a whole new Jasmine. Now that sounds kind of dramatic, but it is very true. That break up helped me learn how to be tougher, to say no, and to do what is best for me. While I still sometimes struggle with these things, before the break up, I never would have even tried them. I would still be the little girl that just wanted to please everyone. I believe now I am a young woman that looks out for herself, and that’s all thanks to the lessons I’ve learned from that break up and along the way.
I also learned a couple of things from getting back together with her. The important ones are that that even after a year apart and some serious life changes, you can still be best friends again and that time really does make the heart grow fonder. I needed that time to not only realize how much I had loss, but to also realize that I truly did want her back in my life again and for the right reasons.
In my opinion, my relationship with this person is stronger than ever before because I took the time to allow myself to grow and become a person that can handle her huge and caring heart, and now I have finally reached a place where I feel like I deserve her and her friendship.
~ TEA
Thoughts, Experiences, Advice (TEA) 